Quarmageddon II: The second battle for Gufton
This Quar's War at Guf Werribee AKA the biggest Quar event in the Southern Hemisphere
Gufton finds itself once more in the long shadow of conflict. The Crusaders, ever confident in their mandate, claim to have brought order, or at least uniform signage, to the region under their brief reign. Yet the Royalists, not content to let history be rewritten in chalk and canvas, have mustered their banners and now surge westward, determined to reclaim what they insist remains sovereign Coftyran soil.
The story so far …
Field communiqué: Gufton Theatre
Yawdryl C. Amon-Veldt, 3rd Coftyran Column
To the Honourable Ministry of War & Grain,
Let it be recorded in the annals of this bitter Quar that the so-called Crusader ‘victory’ at Gufton was no triumph, but rather a contest of inches, paid for dearly in blood and boots. Though their banners now drape sullenly over the chimneys and lamp-posts of the town, their grip is far from assured. They liberated little – save perhaps the pub stools – and now find themselves as much captives of the land as masters of it.
Reports confirm that elements loyal to King and Coftyr are regrouping beyond the western rise. Their intent is plain: to unshackle Gufton from its current custodians and return it, properly adorned, to its rightful fold. The initial skirmish was infantry-heavy, save for the reckless involvement of several Anyaran irregulars (the less said of their tactics, the better) but hostilities have since escalated beyond all decorum.
Now, tractors rumble across the landscape like drunken beetles, tearing the once-familiar fields into ugly, oil-slicked memory. The countryside, once verdant and provincial, has been mauled into what the locals now grimly call ‘The Quarmaggedon’. And they are not wrong.
Fort Cook, once a proud outpost, is now little more than a crater with signage. The trench lines, dug with feverish futility, have grown so convoluted and overlapping that even the birds seem unsure whose territory they glide above. One engineer notes (perhaps half in jest) that a tractor could drive end-to-end without encountering resistance – provided it survives the journey of confusion.
Of cultural concern: the entire reserve of ale at The Weary Bee has been exhausted. Whether looted by Crusader forces or consumed in despair by retreating locals is unclear. Either way, morale suffers.
What remains uncertain is whether the Crusaders can consolidate their tenuous claim, or if Royalist forces, fuelled by duty, pride and the bitter absence of ale, will reclaim Gufton in the name of His Majesty and the enduring Coftyran Crown.
The next dawn may well tell.
Faithfully in service,
Yawdryl C. Amon-Veldt
3rd Column, Gufton Perimeter
Provisional Command Authority – Redoubt 19B
1. Hooper’s Crossing, new and improved
Rhyflers are tasked with crossing the river and escorting their tractors into enemy lines.
Field Report: Bureau of Royal Integrity and Infrastructure Reclamation
Subject: Enemy Civil Works Activity, Gufton District
To the Office of Strategic Observations, Rhyflance Division:
It must be noted, however begrudgingly, that the Crusader occupation force, while misguided in doctrine and deeply flawed in political philosophy, continues to exhibit a disturbing level of administrative efficiency.
Beyond their fervent campaign to dismantle His Majesty’s rightful governance, the Crusaders have taken to courting civilian favour through infrastructure projects of middling ambition. With their tiresome slogan “Every Quar a King” echoing across every painted fence and food ration, they persist in selling the illusion of egalitarianism while undermining centuries of noble order.
A key example of this public spectacle lies at Hooper’s Crossing, where the former timber bridge, a charming relic of pre-insurgency craftsmanship, has now been replaced with a utilitarian stone structure. Officially, the upgrade is said to facilitate ‘reconstruction’ and ‘equitable access to market’. In truth, the bridge serves primarily to solidify supply lines into Gufton, allowing Crusader logistical chains to tighten their grasp on the region.
It is true that the bridge has benefitted local trade, particularly the commerce of those insufferably popular Gufton-issued collectible postcards (as if anyone requires another sketch of a sheep near a fence). Market activity has increased though whether this justifies the continued presence of enemy propaganda stalls remains debatable.
It is also worth noting, though rarely admitted aloud in Crusader communiqués, that the bridge’s true strategic value lies in its capacity to bear the full weight of modern agricultural armour. Tractors now cross freely. We are assured this is a happy coincidence. So too, I suppose, is the sudden alignment of artillery range with local postal routes.
The Crown should remain watchful. Though the Crusaders lay stones and smile for the townsfolk, make no mistake, their bridges lead not to peace, but to entrenchment.
Yawdryl C. Amon-Veldt
Those Crusaders have civilised Hooper's Crossing and slaughtered the Royalist raiding party. The collectable postcard business is dangerous indeed.
Note to self (again): don’t charge an opponent if they have pluck to spend on that snapshot.
That was awesome fun especially with the tractors plinking away at each other.
The mechanic running back and forth along the bridge, repairing our vehicles, was a neat touch.
Cheers Justin!
2. Routed to The Labyrinth
A fight to the death where Crusaders and Royalists clash in brutal trench warfare.
Field Report: Gufton Theatre, Sector Delta-Black
Subject: Post-Hooper manoeuvres & status of The Labyrinth
To the Ministry of the Interior Front, Eastern Command:
Let it be recorded with clarity and solemnity: the trenches encircling Gufton have metastasised into something altogether unnatural. No longer a series of rational fortifications, they have grown wild, twisting through mud and stone like the fever-dream of a mad engineer. The locals, with their flair for gallows wit, now call it The Labyrinth. The name is apt.
Within its bowels, there is no sun, no stillness, no certainty of direction, only the stink of soil, the press of damp walls and the constant clatter of unseen movement. One does not walk the Labyrinth; one endures it.
Following the regrettable reverse at Hooper’s Crossing, a crossing now paved for enemy tractors and the trundling of their crude supply wagons, Royalist elements were compelled to withdraw into the deeper trench systems east of the river. The withdrawal, while orderly on paper, devolved swiftly into chaos beneath the surface.
Within the folds of that miserable terrain, our forces found themselves not alone.
Crusader detachments, perhaps anticipating our route, had embedded within the network. The ambushes came without trumpet or shout. Only cold flashes, muzzle flare and the dull percussion of violence in narrow passageways. The confusion was total. Units were split, messages garbled and bearings lost. The Labyrinth swallowed men whole that night. Some found only by the sound of their own screaming.
We continue to hold what ground remains, though the concept of front has become theoretical. Our maps are useless. Our compasses spin. This is no longer conventional war. It is a slow erosion. A war of inches in a world of mud and echo.
Recommendations: immediate resupply of flares, trench-illumination lanterns and reinforced sapper teams. If we are to survive The Labyrinth, we must either reclaim it or destroy it.
In unwavering loyalty to His Majesty and Coftyr.
Yawdryl C. Amon-Veldt
Absolute devastation on my side but then something unexpected happened when an enemy explosive misfired. A critical malfunction wiped out the majority of a squad in an instant. That was the moment that almost swung the game in my favour.
And that’s the joy of This Quar’s War.
Thanks for being a great sport, Rob.
3. Surprise attack on Market Day
Secure the statue, mind the civilians. And rumour has it a farmer needs assistance finding his beetle.
Field Report: Final gambit at Gufton
To: Office of Urban Theatre Conduct, Royal General Staff
Classification: Operational, Sensitive Civilian Zone
To whom it may concern within the Ministry of Honourable Engagements,
Let this serve as formal notice that the Royalist presence in Gufton has reached a critical threshold. In accordance with Article IV of the Coftyran Field Code, ‘Civility in all conduct, even amidst conflict’, it is acknowledged that the forthcoming manoeuvre may be seen as a breach of peacetime expectations by local residents. Nonetheless, strategic necessity has overtaken ideal circumstance.
While it is Coftyran doctrine to avoid engagements in populated civilian areas whenever tactically feasible, we now find ourselves at the edge of exhaustion. With our lines diminished and morale frayed by successive losses, the Command has resolved to launch a concentrated advance into the town centre of Gufton regrettably coinciding with one of the township’s highest-traffic civic market days.
This action, though unorthodox and not taken lightly, reflects both the urgency of our position and the significance of the objective: the reclamation of the Statue of Ehn’K’du the Lawgiver, a symbol whose presence legitimises whichever banner flies above it.
Initial reports indicate that the move has taken both enemy and townsfolk by surprise. Civilians have begun to scatter, secure shutters and erect makeshift barricades along high-street corridors. We have issued audible warnings in the proper civic dialect and marked all active squads with Code-Red sashes to indicate engagement intent with full adherence to The Code.
All personnel have been expressly reminded to avoid foul language, unnecessary destruction of property or loitering in bakeries. The maintenance of Coftyran discipline in word and deed shall remain paramount, even as we press the attack.
Victory may not bring a parade, but if we are to fall, let it be at the feet of Ehn’K’du. Not for conquest, but for principle.
Yours in service to Coftyr and Crown,
Yawdryl C. Amon-Veldt
Those civilians sure do get in the way. It’s a fun puzzle to use their 3” bubble to push rhyflers around and deny firing lines.
We burnt cards for pluck, engaged in a little urban skirmish and Fab reunited a farmer with his beetle.
Another fun game!
Official Notice from the Crusader Bureau of Internal Triumphs and Market Affairs
Gufton Secured, Alykinder Smiles
It is with measured satisfaction that Crusader High Command confirms the township of Gufton remains firmly under Crusader stewardship following the second grand effort in the theatre. Alykinder would indeed be proud, though we note he would likely have preferred less loitering around the bakery and more bayonets in the breaches.
Commerce Continues, Mothcakes Struggle
Despite minor inconveniences caused by sporadic exchange of fire, Market Day proceeded as scheduled. Citizens and soldiers alike are to be commended for adherence to Code 12B: ‘Trade Before Tremor’.
Regrettably, Mothcake sales were down. The local baker lamented that “despite the battalion’s presence, not a single rhyfler desired one of my cakes!” We gently remind all Crusader personnel that economic warfare begins at home. Buy a cake. Eat two. Die, if one must, but do it with crumbs on your coat.
Battle Honours and Command Praise
The Second Battle of Gufton has been officially declared a success. Strategically sound, logistically complex and only partially undermined by the delayed arrival of Is Caerten Ryan’s forces. While their contribution was minimal (arriving just after the victory toast), Command has elected to issue a pardon on account of his tireless development of ‘modern camouflage’ i.e. walking very slowly while painted the same colour as a hedge.
High honours are extended to Is Caerten Justin, who has been bestowed the title of Master and Quar-mander. Rumours of impending promotion to Sirnol are circulating at the officer’s mess, pending further acts of improbable brilliance.
Aesthetic Commendation goes to Is Caerten Fab – colloquially known as ‘Just Fab’ – whose mechanised units continue to astound both ally and enemy with their grace, function and irresistible colour palettes. “These tractors are a true work of art,” was the most repeated phrase in Gufton, second only to “Where is all the ale?”
Chivalry Commended Across Lines
In a rare gesture of cross-theatre camaraderie, Crusader HQ wishes to acknowledge the extraordinary field conduct of Coftyran officer Is Caerten Sarah, whose gallant actions have earned her the True Gentle-Quar citation. “Perhaps not all Royalists are wretches,” one Crusader noted, before correcting his posture and swearing never to say it again.
Disciplinary Notes & Logistics
Is Caerten Rob is hereby instructed to issue further torpedo-handling drills to his P.I.S.S.O.F.F. unit, whose recent misuse of the Splagen device resulted in more embarrassment than enemy casualties. We remind all officers: Splagen is not a toy.
Royalist command is kindly advised to feed the Sarf-cyns under Is Caerten Pieter’s care. Emaciated cyns reflect poorly on the morale of your troops and risk breaching Articles of Creature Conduct, Subsection ‘Whimpering at Dawn’.
Stand firm, buy local and remember: Alykinder sees all.
Thanks for reading!
Here is a compilation of the scenarios used today.
If you missed the first event:
This Quar's War: Save the town of Gufton
On Saturday 5 April at Guf Werribee a group of high quar-lity players indulged in three rounds of This Quar’s War (300 points). This is their story.